Lord, save us from Your followers

I know a lot of Christians who feel marginalized because since they hold some mainstream or some left of center political opinions. Their fellow believers criticize them and judge them, make them feel like they're not good enough Christians or not Christian enough because their views aren't enough aligned with the conservative evangelical monolith.

I'll admit that one reason I "piratized" my blog, http://malloryprayer.blogspot.com was because I was so frustrated with what I perceive as American Christian politics as not-so-Christ-like, driven by "tribalism," anger and legalism- but also because I was so desperate to be respected even though my personal opinions don't fit lock step with the extreme-right convention of my neighbors and fellow congregants here in the hinterlands.

But I also want to reach and reassure those disaffected progressives like me who can't seem to get past the fact that Jesus said to "turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, give 'em the shirt off your back and love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you..." but so many American Christians these days say "torture saves lives, take the fight to them before they bring it here, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, better dead than red, I didn't come from no monkey, baby killers go to Hell, and God hates fags."

I have a friend who's a psychiatrist and a college professor, whom I know loves the Lord and has love and compassion for his patients and students who is feeling labeled, lumped, judged, and alienated by absolutist, authoritarian, fundamentalist, Pharisees lately (oops, there I've labeled, lumped-together, judged and possibly alienated them back,! hypocritical me).

What I fear is that Christians drive our brothers and sisters in Christ away from Jesus and out of His kingdom by making them feel like they can't possible belong. Sometimes we shout so loud and our political passions burn so hot that we eclipse the Son. Counter productive. Straining out a gnat but swallowing a camel.

Forgive me Lord if/when I do hold wrong opinions. Forgive me fellow Christians if/when I offend you or become a stumbling block for your faith. But Holy Crap- Dear GOD, will you PLEASE not let the fear and hate and anger and impulse for control that so many Christians have drive away Your lambs. Don't let Your sheep root and budge and bite like pigs at the trough.

Here's an awesome song lyric from the Lutheran duo, Lost and Found that speaks to this issue"

"So many people pushed away Ones that are loved told they can't stay The
question is what would Jesus say?God's own people close the door The loud and
the angry take the floor We know what you fear But what are you for? Furthermore
. . .
THE KINGDOM'S BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU
YOU WERE MADE TO BE HERE TOO
THE KINGDOM'S
BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU
WHERE YOU ARE AS YOU ARE"

THE KINGDOM © 2001, LOST AND FOUND http://speedwood.com

Pirate Phrases

In honor of International 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' (Sept. 19)

Avast ye - stop and check this out or pay attention

Aye - yes

Batten down the hatches - put everything away on the ship and tie everything down because a storm is brewing

Bilge-sucking - insult

Blimey! - exhortation of surprise

Blow me down! - expression of shock of disbelief akin to "Holy Crap!"

Blow the man down - command to kill someone

Booty - treasure

Buccaneer - a pirate

Bucko - a buccaneer

Cat O'Nine Tails - a whip with nine strands

Corsair - pirates in the Mediterranean Sea

Crow's nest - small platform atop the mast where the lookout stands

Cutlass - short heavy curved bladed sword used by pirates

Davy Jones' Locker - fabled, mythical place at the bottom of the ocean where the evil spirit of Davy Jones brings sailor and pirates to die

Dead men tell no tales - phrase indicating to leave no survivors

Doubloons - other coins or found in pirate hoards and stashes

Feed the fish - will soon die

Hang 'im from the yardarm - punishment of those captured in battle

Head - the pirate ship's toilet

Heave Ho - give it some muscle and push it

Hempen Halter - a noose for hanging

Hornswaggle - to defraud or cheat out of money or belongings

Jacob's Ladder - the rope ladder one uses to climb aboard a sloop

Jolly Roger - pirate's flag including white skull and crossbones over a black field

Keelhaul - punishment in which a person where dragged underneath the pirate ship from side to side and was lacerated by the barnacles on the vessel

Lad, lass, lassie - a younger person

Landlubber - big, slow clumsy person who doesn't know how to sail

Letters of Marque - letters issue from governments during wartime to privateers endorsing the piracy of another vessel

Man-O-War - pirate's ship outfitted for battle

Me - my

Mizzen - third mast from the bow of the ship on ships that have three or more masts

Old Salt - an experienced sailor

Pieces of eight - coins or found in pirate stashes

Pillage - rob, sack or plunder

Poop deck - the part of the ship farthest to the back, which is usually above the captain's quarters. This is not the bathroom.

Privateer - government-sponsored pirates

Rum - pirate's traditional alcoholic beverage

Run a shot across the bow - warning shot to another vessel's captain

Savvy? - do you understand and do you agree?

Scallywag - mild insult akin to rapscallion or rogue

Scurvy dog - the pirate is talking directly to you with mild insult

Scuttle - to sink a ship

Seadog - old pirate or sailor

Shark bait - will soon join Davy Jones' Locker

Shipshape - cleaned up and under control

Shiver me timbers! - comparable to "Holy Crap!"

Son of a Biscuit Eater - insult directed towards someone you don't like

Thar she blows! - Whale sighting

Three sheets to the wind - someone who is very drunk. One sheet is mildly drunk and four sheets is passed out.

Walk the plank - punishment in which person walks off a board jutting over the side of the ship while at sea. The consequence is drowning and a visit to Davy Jones' Locker.

Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen! - pull up the anchor and the sail and let's get going

Ye - you

Yo Ho Ho - cheerful exhortation to demand attention

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! - exhortation of discontent or disgust

Ahoy! - Hello!

Ahoy, Matey - Hello, my friend!

Ahoy, me Hearties! - the same as saying "Hello, my friends!"

All hand hoay! - comparable to all hands on deck

Learn more Pirate Slang at "The Pirate's Realm"

Aaargh

Lest we drift too far from our theme

Why I’m not a pastor

Okay, so what’s with the website’s official Scripture, Jeremiah 20:9?

What can I say? Its just something that’s true for me. I guess you could say that ever since I was a kid I’ve felt God’s gravity.

For the longest time I struggled with whether or not He wanted me to become a pastor, but a funny thing happened to me on my way to the cemetery (oops, I mean seminary). Three things actually. Well yeah I have three beautiful daughters, but those aren’t the three things, well in a way I guess that they’re one of the things.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 makes it clear that a daddy needs to put his energies into being a husband and a daddy. One friend I sought counsel from in my struggle advised me that God calls all men to be shepherds, it happens that my most important flock is my family. This was interesting coming from him because come to find out he not only dropped out of seminary, but he left the Lutheran church to become Greek Orthodox! Guess the Missouri Synod wasn’t conservative enough for him.

The other thing that happened to me was that I think I pulled something while I was wrestling with Him. (see if you know about the whole “Jacob wrestled with the Angel” thing you might have thought that was funny. Seriously.) Here’s how it went. I don’t know if it was a revelation or hallucination but I was home with Influenza and a raging fever when I felt like God told me “surrender.” Like most people who have experiences like that I probably misinterpreted it. I should have asked, “surrender what?” So I got a elementary level book on the Hebrew alphabet on line and passionately tired to become as pious as I could be in anticipation of the Call. Our congregation was in a financial mess and our pastor of 35 years was about to retire. A pastor of a neighboring church met with me and talked about a new alternative program for ordination of men busy with family and careers for small rural congregations. About the same time the publisher of our local newspaper, fighting a losing battle with cancer, confided in me that he’d like to sell the operation to me. I couldn’t believe that God was suddenly offering me two dreams on silver platters. My wife balked at the idea of buying the paper because of the overwhelming commitment it would mean, taking me from my family.

Well, as it happened, neither opportunity panned out. No one at my congregation was apt to support me as a viable candidate even for Lay Minister and the interim pastor was a complete drip. He put the brakes on the contemporary worship services that our Youth Group led and it was clear that he was uncomfortable with any lay participation in the leadership of the church. Yet I was inspired by the motion picture about Luther. I read his biography and was hungry to read his own writing- other than the Book of Concord or the Small Catechism. So I got my hands on an English translation of “The Babylonian captivity of the Church.” Not only did it reveal his scathing sarcasm and criticism of the religious and political leaders of his time, AND confirm my long held belief that the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod is one of the least Lutheran institutions anywhere, but above all it showed me that the great reformer himself, the right reverend-doctor, Professor Martin Luther had a radically different interpretation of ministry, priesthood, and the office of pastor than I did, or than the LCMS did for that matter. He didn’t consider it the ultimate prize in God’s treasure box. Luther saw it almost as a necessary evil, a vocation that is entirely equal to and not above any other. And he RAILED on how it had become a prestigious and hierarchical caste system during the renaissance. It seems like even post-reformation it can still be kind of an “old boy’s club” in a lot of denominations. Sometimes I wonder if the “office of public ministry” is as much a human contrivance as it is a Devine ordinance.

So we called a great new pastor, I filed my paperwork, but never took a single class. Meanwhile my publisher passed away after he and his wife sold the shop to a company that owns seven or eight other papers in Iowa and Nebraska. After getting a better feel for all of the personal politics and intrigue within a congregation during the call process and endless committee meetings I decided that a pastor is the last thing I wanted to be. Working at the newspaper the summer after the switch-over I observed a lot of hassles and struggles with the community, advertising clients, subscribers, printers, and employees. So much so that I recognized that I may not be suited for that part of the business and didn’t envy the new guy after all. I felt sad that neither dream materialized, but exasperated, I told God “I give up! I surrender! I don’t need to be a pastor after all.” I swear at that moment it felt like He wanted me to know, “well, duh, that’s what I said before.” Huh? Wait a minute, You mean, You didn’t want me to surrender my Jonah like running away from becoming a pastor? It was kind of like He was saying “Of course not, I just wanted you to surrender the whole issue to me, either way.” Well, duh. Isn’t that just the way He does things?

Finally a third thing happed. George W. Bush. Okay, that’s a bit much to say that I didn’t become a pastor because Bush became President. But what happened and continues to happen is that most of the Christian culture in America is deluded into thinking that neoconservative Republican politics is synonymous with God’s holy and righteous will. As much as Jesus’ love, forgiveness, and example have His hooks in me, so do progressive political ideals. As long as I can remember, I have seen through the façade of “law and order” of lying, cheating, power mongers like Nixon, Reagan, Bush 39 and Bush 41. Meanwhile I’ve admired and been humbled by the idealism, pragmatism, altruism and sacrifice of such thinkers and leaders as Abraham Lincoln, Franklin and Elenor Roosevelt, Henry Wallace, Adali Stevenson, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jimmy Carter- not to mention writers who stood up for the little guy like Mike Royko, Art Buchwald, and Molly Ivins, and cartoonists like Jules Fieffer and Gary Trudea.

Not only am I convinced that while these folks may not always have been right, they’re more right than anyone on the right-wing, especially caustic bullies like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Rielly. So, I am in a sticky place. My denomination is a mighty conservative one. But more than that, for the last decade or more, I have felt like I was unwelcomed in the body of Christ. As if Christians and American Evangelical Christian culture does not welcome people who are genuinely compassionate toward the poor, or concerned about organized labor, racial equality, or any social initiatives. It’s as if big business conspired with the tele-evangelists to use wedge issues like abortion and gay marriage to separate Christians from their good senses and from the rest of Jesus’ teachings and models for living. So, I felt more and more alienated from my Lord’s community and thereby also from Him. That kind of alienation can lead to resentment.

In college I drew a political cartoon for the student newspaper with a coat hanger in it. My point was that even Christians need to consider both sides of the abortion issue. It landed me in the President’s office. He didn’t reprimand me, he just wanted to clarify what my opinion was. Then he politely cautioned me that such opinions may not be in my best interest if I had any hope for a thriving career as a church professional.

When I was teaching History, Journalism and Art in a Lutheran High School, one of the Religion teachers taught more about abortion and the Pro-Life agenda then about the Gospel itself. I figured, “how can you call yourself pro-life and support the death penalty, unjust wars, economic policies that produce debilitating poverty, denial of medical research and violence against homosexuals? Etc. Etc.” Don’t get me wrong, I am not a proponent of abortion. Its shameful and tragic that so many people callously consider it just another form of contraception, but life doesn’t end at the birth canal. I am not “pro-choice” by any stretch of the imagination, but like so many moderate to conservative Democrats (“Blue Dogs”) like me, I’d rather see abortion “Safe, legal and RARE.”

I discovered that there are Christian progressives out there like author and sociologist Tony Campolo and Sojourners founder Jim Wallis. I read as much of them as I could. When students came to me feeling as frustrated or confused as I had, I directed them to the Bible and to the U.S. Constitution so that they could see for themselves what they said, rather than taking the word of some movement or interest group. I helped them focus on their personal relationship with God and their prayer lives, rather than on the opinions and pet peeves of the prevailing malcontents, legalists and moralists. One girl, a child hood victim of incest who had agonized in the anti-abortion obsessed teacher’s class later told me that she’s not sure she’d still be a Christian if it hadn’t been for my help. That disturbed and humbled me. It also emboldened me to believe that God had a niche for me and that He’s not necessarily always on the side of the winning team.

So it just may not be reasonable for me to ever become a pastor because Titus 3: 8-10 says that they should avoid controversy and factions. Needless to say, I’m not very good at that. When someone sends me an email forward that is obviously right-wing propaganda, I’m likely to hit “reply to all” and proceed to write a scathing response, admonishing the senders to check their facts and consider the damage they’re doing to truth and God’s Kingdom. Speaking truth can piss some people off sometimes. Mind you, I realize that Jesus wants me to have tact once in a while. That’s one reason I started this Blog, so I can offend in a broad, general, public way rather than a direct personal way. Hopefully it’s much less hurtful and with God’s help, more effective too. I may blunder and be too zealous sometimes, like the Disciple Peter who had the audacity to admonish Jesus and tell Him that He shouldn’t let Himself be captured and crucified, but if when I am a fool, I am Christ’s fool. And, by the way, I try hard to apologize, acknowledge error, and alter my positions when I’m shown to be wrong. I believe in that kind of transparency. It is not only what Christ would have me do, its sound journalistic practice and being a decent and humble human being.

The new publisher let me add a political cartoon to the humor and politics column that I already write for our weekly small town newspaper. This has rekindled the other fire in me that I had as long as I had the itch to become a pastor- that is the dream of being an editorial cartoonist or columnist. Maybe the tiny newspaper and a blog are as far as that dream will go. Maybe I’ll never be nationally syndicated, but it is still a hobby that is more than a hobby. These are the talents (and the drives) that God created in me. Its much of who and what I am. How could I deny that if I were expected to forsake them to become a pastor?

I think it was difficult to leave teaching in a Lutheran school where I was a full-time, professional commissioned minister of the Gospel. We mentored and discipled kids. We participated in or led prayer groups and Bible studies, and preached homilies in chapel. We were part of a team in mission with the rest of the faculty and staff. That may have been one reason why the pastor issue pressed itself so hard on my heart when we moved to Iowa. I believe that the separation of church and state in public schools is a legal, legitimate, and necessary thing. I still make myself available if kids chose to approach me about their faith or with their prayer needs. I have forged deep faith bonds with some students and a couple of colleagues.

It has been rewarding to be the volunteer Youth Leader at our church, but now the reality of 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 is setting in again. With dance classes, speech therapy, soccer practices, etc. etc. etc. having three kids and being a two-job household, it has become difficult to give being Youth Counselor the time and commitment that it needs. So, when this group of Seniors graduates, someone else will take over for me. So another venue for teaching and sharing God’s Word slips away. So I consolidated three blogs, one was focused just on prayer, one was for the youth group, and another chronicled the history of our congregation while I designed a book for its 125^th anniversary- all three folded into THIS one, so that I have an outlet for writing and thinking about Jesus, prayer, the Bible, teen ministry issues, and faith in general.

And the “heartburn” remains. God put this tracking device in me so that I keep seeking Him and He put His Word in my heart and my head and I can’t escape Him. So here I am. I haven’t left my church. Many of my friends are now “former Lutherans.” And, thank God, they haven’t excommunicated me yet. As John F. Kennedy once said, "My church doesn't speak for me, and I don't speak for them." I stay because for all its faults and internal conflicts, I truly believe that the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod has some of the most beautiful theology and the purest, truest doctrine and balance of Law and Gospel. Yet, in some ways, like a pirate who’s lost his privateer’s license I am sort of a man without a country. When I was asking my Faculty Advisor in college about whether or not to become a pastor, get married, and just generally what God’s will for my life was, he told me that life is like a ship. I get to man the helm and steer with the rudder. God provides the wind and decides how much and from what direction, but I’m not going anywhere unless I weigh anchor and set sail.

Ahoy, Aloha, Me ka pule, and A hui hou,

God’s pirate, with a burning in my bones.

The Gospel According to the dread pirate Roberts

For a long time now, I’ve been trying to come up with an image that I feel represents one of the most meaningful Scriptures to me, Jeremiah 20:9. I’ve always liked the version of the “Sacred Heart” used by the House of Blues. Christ’s heart afire surrounded by His crown of thorns, or in more contemporary versions, barbed wire. But I could never manage to draw one that I liked. Just as well, I guess. Not being Catholic, I’ve never been properly instructed in all of the symbolism of the image anyway.

This idea came to me while learning about pirates. I think it’s pretty cool since so many of the disciples were professional fisherman. Jesus walked on the water and calmed the storm, right? So since I enjoy Jimmy Buffett music and the motto of my newspaper column is “sex, politics, and religion- not necessarily in that order…” Why not my own pirate flag?

I had a friend complain to me about how many different blogs I have. One for my column, one for the cheerleading squads I coach, one just about Art… I had three different blogs that deal with religion. One focused on prayer, one was for my church youth group and another for my church’s 125^th anniversary. So I thought I should pair down. The 125^th is now last year and this is my last year as Youth Counselor (at least for a while, maybe when my kids are in high school I’ll try it again). My column never does actually cover sex, and it’s a humor column as often as it is a Spiritual one, but I did want to be able to talk about more than teen faith issues and more than just prayer on a blog about my faith. I want to be able to “be real.” To talk about my personal struggles of faith and irritations with the hypocrisies and heresies of the established “rulers and teachers of the law.”

Christian sarcasm and cynicism? Is there room for that? Oh please. You think that Jesus didn’t have His tongue in His cheek when he said that bit about it being harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom than for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle? You don’t think there was at least a tinge of irony in His voice when he told people to pluck their eyes out and enter the Kingdom blind, rather than use their eyes to lust?

We may not get the cultural references anymore in the 21^st century, but Dente’s Divine Comedy and his Inferno weren’t just poetry, they were political satire and religious criticism. In much of his writings, Martin Luther displays a rapier wit for cutting the meat clear to the bone in his critiques of the theological errors, pompous personalities, and political intrigues of the late renaissance.

So I may not always be right, but I think that God has room for fools- Court Jesters that is, political cartoonists and columnists like me, who love Him and want to serve him, but who feel no compunction about drawing attention to the weeds growing among the chaff, even if our Lord and our brothers may have to rebuke me for getting over zealous. (trust me, I know there’s a big huge log in my own eye, I just can’t help pointing out those specks). I hope you will forgive me

too, and yet enjoy the humor and be challenged and provoked by the opinions.

So how did I come up with my cool Pirate flag?

The Templar knights, the crusaders who liberated Jerusalem with King Richard the Lion Hearted, would burry their brethren by laying their leg bones in the form of a cross by their skull. Once accused of heresy by jealous nobility in France, legend has it those who survived persecution fled and merged joined with knights on the island of Malta who eventually turned to piracy under the well known symbol of the Jolly Roger or skull and cross bones.

Black Bart Roberts, the real “dread pirate Roberts,” was a peculiar pirate and perhaps the most “successful,” though not as famous as Captains Cook, Morgan or Black Beard. Black Bart didn’t drink, though hid crew certainly did. He led Sunday worship services aboard his ship. Mind you, I know that the analogy breaks down, after all, Roberts was a blood thirsty murderer with an insatiable appetite for power, reputation and wealth. Not exactly Christ-like. Be that as it may, consider this, like Christ, Roberts was anti-establishment and egalitarian. Roberts was, after all, the product of the culmination of sinful, inhumane and self-indulgent policies of political and religious leaders. His pirate ship was more democratic than many “First World” countries are yet today. Consider the articles that his crewmembers swore on a Bible to uphold:

1. Every man shall have an equal vote in affairs of moment. He shall have an equal title to the fresh provisions or strong liquors at any time seized, and shall use them at pleasure unless a scarcity may make it necessary for the common good that a retrenchment may be voted.
2. Every man shall be called fairly in turn by the list on board of prizes, because over and above their proper share, they are allowed a shift of clothes. But if they defraud the company to the value of even one dollar in plate, jewels or money, they shall be marooned. If any man rob another he shall have his nose and ears slit, and be put ashore where he shall be sure to encounter hardships.
3. None shall game for money either with dice or cards.
4. The lights and candles should be put out at eight at night, and if any of the crew desire to drink after that hour they shall sit upon the open deck without lights.
5. Each man shall keep his piece, cutlass and pistols at all times clean and ready for action.
6. No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducing any of the latter sex and carrying her to sea in disguise he shall suffer death.
7. He that shall desert the ship or his quarters in time of battle shall be punished by death or marooning.
8. None shall strike another on board the ship, but every man's quarrel shall be ended on shore by sword or pistol in this manner. At the word of command from the quartermaster, each man being previously placed back to back, shall turn and fire immediately. If any man do not, the quartermaster shall knock the piece out of his hand. If both miss their aim they shall take to their cutlasses, and he that draweth first blood shall be declared the victor.
9. No man shall talk of breaking up their way of living till each has a share of 1,000. Every man who shall become a cripple or lose a limb in the service shall have 800 pieces of eight from the common stock and for lesser hurts proportionately.
10. The captain and the quartermaster shall each receive two shares of a prize, the master gunner and boatswain, one and one half shares, all other officers one and one quarter, and private gentlemen of fortune one share each.
11. The musicians shall have rest on the Sabbath Day only by right. On all other days by favor only.

As a work of graphic design I am very proud of it, even though it is incredibly simple. That may be part of its power, that it is so simple and iconic. The cross bones from pirate flags that have literally been around for hundreds of years, if not more than a thousand. The flames are nearly as iconic since it’s from an international hazard placard. I kind of think it would make a great t-shirt, album cover to guerilla art. If I had the guts to get a tattoo, I think it would make and awesome one of those too. Instead of the “Jolly Roger,” I call it the “Jerry Rigor.” Jerry is a derivative of Jeremiah, the flag’s Bible Verse.

The design and look of this website will soon be changing to. For now I’ve changed the green to black, just so readers notice the attention, but frankly I think it’s a little heavy, I’m not a heavy metal head after all. So keep an eye on it and let me know what you think. Black may be best for Lent anyway, maybe I’ll hold off on a major make over until Easter. Well, I’ve rambled on about nothing too important for long enough. Come back for theological discussions, devotions, prayers and motivational quotes.

In Jesus’ service,

Pirate Ted