Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Trying to "Be still."

I think I'm going to go on hiatus for a while.

I have some new stuff that are posted as drafts that will pop up on here in the next couple of days, but frankly I think I'm ready to just hang it up.

Maybe I'm too much of a blue-stater living in about as red a district as they get and I'm tired of being a mutant, weirdo, pariah. Maybe if I quit writing and cartooning I can just try to fit in.

There was a time I thought God wanted me to be a pastor, but that didn't come to pass. For a brief moment, I thought He wanted me to become a small newspaper publisher, but that didn't happen. I've yearned to be a political columnist and/or cartoonist, but I think He's asking me to sacrifice those dreams in submission to Him.

Only two high school kids ever come to the Bible study that I teach and now those two are helping the younger kids during Sunday School. I don't know if I'm that boring or if too many people in our community think I'm immoral or something because of my political leanings of if I'm just a scary wacko because I'm too opinionated about too many things or what. All I know is I can only cajole, coax, and exhort kids to come so much for so long.

St. Paul warned plenty of times against factions and divisions among believers. So maybe I shouldn't be rocking the boat so much. I love the Lord and His Word and hate when it's corrupted or abused for selfish reasons.

Just like Isaiah in chapter 6, I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

But the thing is, people are "ever hearing, but never understanding; ever seeing, but never perceiving.'

Their hearts are hard and they only hear what they want to hear.

I ask God Psalm 13:2, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"

People rant and rave against abortion as if it were the only sin and the greatest sin and as if there weren't more to being a Christian except opposing abortion, opposing homosexuality and opposing evolution. But I've heard the teenager who'd been molested by a relative talk about how they're not sure they can keep believing in God because these people who call themselves Christians don't care and can't see.

So I'm done. Lord, if I'm really so wrong and all these voices that are so loud and so strong are right. Then forgive me and change me, but I can't deal with this burning in my bones anymore. It makes me a werewolf, feared, hated, misunderstood and judged. Take it away from me. Make me silent and submissive like Winston Smith at the end of 1984 only without having to face the rats or betray Julia first. Take away my opinions, Lord. I'd rather conform and blend in. No one listens to me and no one agrees with me.

Jesus, if Machiavelli is our true messiah, if Karl Rove and Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin are your true disciples, than I may as well surrender to you anyway. I'd rather be numb and oblivious. If ignorance is bliss, why can't I be ignorant?
Anyway, I give up. Perhaps if He does make me a new creation like He promises, this blog will someday become active again, in some different form. But for now, I need to go cold turkey. I hope I can.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous11:13 AM

    Please don't ever stop writing, if you do, I wouldn't know who would speak to my soul. Everything you have written so far, up to today, are the same struggles, 'life jacob & the angel' that I have with my conservative family. I was raised in a pentecostal church, I'm one of delaware's biggest obama campaigners, and just the black sheep of the family. Yet God is shining in my heart, silently. I do argue with my new pastor very much though. He loves my points, hates my vulgarity. I am who I am. DONT stop writing, you inspire me. Need your RSS feeds ...thank you ..gigi...