Where are you God?

“Find rest, o my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from Him.” ~Psalm 62:5

Where are you God?

Why can’t I find any rest.

You say “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.” When? When? When I die? After Judgment Day? Is it just a word trick?

Do you mean that so long as You are the only thing we desire,

then You’ll happily make Yourself available to us?

Why is it sin for me to be selfish and want attention and affection or to feel like I have some sense of worth or control or efficacy-

but its okay for you, because we’re all supposed to worship You?

Forgive me.

I know this is blasphemy, the very same sin that Lucifer indulged in, angry and jealous of You.

Forgive me.

This anger and depression consumes me and grips me and won’t ever let me go.

Don’t you care? I ask You to “lead me not into temptation and deliver me from evil,” but I keep succumbing to temptation and evil seeps into every sinew of my soul.

I’m sick of it. I know that I can’t escape- that I can’t fight it by myself.

Don’t you care? I’m not asking to be rich. I’m not even asking for any of the foolish or selfish things that I usually do. I’m just asking for deliverance from this morass.

Get me out, get me out. PLEASE get me out!